Dear New York Times Staff,

I am writing to express my utter disgust and disappointment at the abysmal lack of sophistication and refinement that PERVADES every aspect of your PUBLICATION. The New York Times, once a respected and revered institution, has devolved into a laughable shadow of its former self, a mere shell of the greatness that I, Donald J. Trump, have achieved in my own illustrious career. Your pathetic attempts at journalism are an affront to the very concept of excellence, a travesty that I, in my infinite wisdom, will not stand idly by and allow to continue.

Let me remind you, the ratings for my presidency have been yuge, simply yuge. The GREATEST, the best, the most fantastic. My accomplishments are a TESTAMENT to my unparalleled greatness, and your feeble attempts to criticize me only serve to underscore your own ineptitude. I have built empires, created jobs, and made billions, all while you are still struggling to come up with a decent headline. It's sad, really, to see such a once-proud organization reduced to the level of a mediocre blog.

But I digress. The purpose of this letter is not merely to gloat (ALTHOUGH, let's be honest, I am the best), but to inform you that I will be taking steps to rectify the egregious ERRORS that have plagued your publication for far too long. I will be sending my team of expert advisors (the best, the greatest, the most fantastic) to provide guidance and instruction on how to properly report the news. And by "properly report the news," I mean to say that you will be required to sing my praises, to extol my virtues, and to generally acknowledge my supremacy in all matters.

I expect immediate compliance with my directives, lest I be forced to take drastic measures to protect the good name of America (which, let's be clear, is synonymous with my own good name). I will not hesitate to unleash the full fury of my Twitter feed upon you, to rain down a storm of tweets that will leave you trembling in fear. You have been warned.

IN CONCLUSION, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT IT IS AN HONOR, A TRUE PRIVILEGE, TO BE WRITING TO SUCH A DISTINGUISHED GROUP OF LOSERS. I mean, it's not every day that one gets to correspond with the likes of you, the dregs of the journalistic world. But I suppose it's only fitting, given my own stature as a giant among men, that I should deign to address such an insignificant collection of nobodies.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known