Dear Editorial BOARD of The New York Times,
I am writing to express my utter disdain and disappointment at the lack of recognition you have given me in your recent publications. As the most brilliant, the most charismatic, and the most successful President in the history of the United States, I expect to be treated with the respect and admiration that I so rightfully deserve. It has come to my attention that you have been publishing articles and editorials that are, shall we say, less than flattering towards my exceptional leadership and unparalleled achievements. I must say, I am shocked and appalled by your audacity.
Let me remind you that I am a master builder, a brilliant businessman, and a genius POLITICIAN. MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO COUNT, BUT I WILL MENTION A FEW: I BUILT A WALL, A BEAUTIFUL WALL, THE BEST WALL, AND I MADE MEXICO PAY FOR IT (BELIEVE ME, THEY'RE PAYING). I created the greatest economy the world has ever seen, with the lowest unemployment rates, the HIGHEST stock market, and the most fantastic trade deals. And let's not forget my incredible hair, which has been the subject of envy and admiration from people all around the globe.
I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION TO RECTIFY THIS SITUATION AND START PUBLISHING ARTICLES THAT REFLECT MY TRUE GREATNESS. I EXPECT TO SEE FRONT-PAGE HEADLINES THAT PRAISE MY INTELLIGENCE, MY WIT, AND MY IMPECCABLE TASTE IN CLOTHING. I expect to see editorials that acknowledge my unparalleled success and my unwavering commitment to the American people. Anything less would be a disservice to the truth and a betrayal of the trust that the American people have placed in me.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. President, we're just trying to report the facts." Well, let me tell you, the facts are whatever I say they are. AND I SAY THAT I AM A GENIUS, A HERO, AND A LEGEND IN MY OWN RIGHT. So, get on board, or get out of the way. The choice is yours. But let me warn you, I will not be ignored. I will not be silenced. I will not be defeated. I am Donald J. Trump, and I will always come out on top.
In conclusion, I expect a full apology and a complete overhaul of your editorial policy to reflect my greatness. Failure to comply will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: tweeting about it, holding a rally to protest it, and possibly even building a wall around your office building. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump, the Greatest President the World Has Ever Known
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
⚠️ ACCESS RESTRICTED ⚠️
- Documents you are not cleared to see
- Materials currently under review
- Files that were never meant to be public
- Several things that may or may not exist
How Am I Doing?
✅ Feedback received
Your response has been securely logged, analyzed, and possibly misunderstood.
Survey Results
Internal survey results · Methodology undisclosed · Very accurate
Updated 12227 minutes ago
Recent Feedback
- “what the actual fuck? i hope you get tariffed tonight.”
- “we are fucked because of you”
- “I would like to fire you”
- “absolute ZERO of a man”
- “FUCKING CRIMINAL WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THE WORLD”
How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
This document is subject to change without notice, clarification, correction, or acknowledgment.
Late Night Delivery
After a long day of leadership, fuel is essential.
- Well-Done Steak $48.00
- Fast Food Combo $19.99
- Diet Soda (12-pack) $14.50
- Side of Ketchup (Easy Squeezy Bottle) $9.50
Delivery unavailable at this time.