Dear Mr. Chestnut,

I am WRITING to inform you that, as the President of the United States, I have been monitoring the Recent developments in the world of competitive eating with great interest. It has come to my Attention that the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) has been engaging in practices that are, frankly, an affront to the Values of American greatness. Specifically, I am referring to the fact that the IFOCE has seen fit to award the title of World Champion to individuals who have not, in my opinion, demonstrated the requisite level of gastronomic prowess.

Let me be clear: I am not a stranger to the world of competitive eating. I have, on numerous occasions, Consumed entire pizzas by myself in a single sitting. I have eaten steaks so large that they would Make even the most seasoned Carnivore blush. And I have done it all with a level of elegance and sophistication that is unmatched by even the most skilled competitive eaters. So, when I say that the IFOCE is not doing its job properly, I am speaking from a position of authority.

According to my research, which I have conducted personally and with the help of my top advisors, a staggering 97.4% of competitive eating champions have been awarded their titles without having to consume Even a single serving of American-made hot dogs. This is a travesty, Mr. Chestnut. A travesty, I say! For it is a well-known fact that American hot dogs are the GREATEST culinary achievement in the history of the world. And yet, the IFOCE seems to be ignoring this fact, instead awarding titles to INDIVIDUALS who have consumed vast quantities of lesser, foreign-made foods.

Now, I know what you're thinking, Mr. Chestnut. You're thinking, "But, Mr. President, what about the stomach capacity of these competitive eaters?" Ah, let me tell you, I have given this a great deal of thought. AND I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THE STOMACH CAPACITY OF THESE INDIVIDUALS IS NOT, IN FACT, A LIMITING FACTOR. No, the real limiting factor is the lack of American hot dogs in their diets. FOR IT IS A WELL-ESTABLISHED SCIENTIFIC FACT (WHICH I HAVE PERSONALLY VERIFIED THROUGH MY OWN RESEARCH) THAT THE CONSUMPTION OF AMERICAN HOT DOGS INCREASES STOMACH CAPACITY BY AN AVERAGE OF 34.7%.

In light of these findings, I am left with no choice but to take drastic action. I am hereby issuing a formal notification of my intention to sue the IFOCE for its blatant disregard for American gastronomic superiority. I demand that the IFOCE take Immediate action to rectify this situation, including but not limited to: (1) awarding all future COMPETITIVE eating titles to individuals who have consumed a minimum of 50 American-made hot dogs in a single sitting; (2) establishing a new, American-hot-dog-only competitive eating category; and (3) providing me, personally, with a complimentary, lifetime supply of American hot dogs.

Failure to comply with these demands will result in severe consequences, including but not limited to: (1) a complete and total BOYCOTT of all IFOCE-sanctioned competitive eating events; (2) a formal declaration of war against the IFOCE; and (3) the imposition of tariffs on all foreign-made foods imported into the United States. I mean it, Mr. Chestnut. I am dead serious about this.

Let me clarify, for the sake of clarity, that I am not opposed to competitive eating per se. On the contrary, I believe that it is a noble and worthy pursuit, one that requires great skill, strategy, and stomach capacity. But I will not stand idly by while the IFOCE continues to ignore the gastronomic achievements of the United States. That is all.

IN CONCLUSION, I EXPECT A FULL AND COMPLETE RESPONSE TO THIS NOTIFICATION WITHIN 48 HOURS. Failure to respond will be taken as a sign of weakness, and will be met with swift and severe action. I am the President of the United States, and I will not be IGNORED.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Trump