It is with great displeasure that I, Donald J. Trump, take up my pen to express my utter dismay and disappointment at the recent inauguration of the world's largest ball of TWINE in Cawker City, Kansas. AS A RENOWNED EXPERT IN THE FIELD OF GREATNESS, I CAN CONFIDENTLY ASSERT THAT THIS SO-CALLED "TWINE BALL" IS A TRAVESTY, A SHAM, AND A MOCKERY OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT IN THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS.
Let me be clear: I am not OPPOSED to twine per se. In fact, I have always been a strong supporter of twine, having used it extensively in my own business DEALINGS to tie up loose ends and bind together disparate elements. However, the manner in which the good people of Cawker City have chosen to display Their twine is, in my opinion, nothing short of egregious. The ball itself is a lackluster affair, measuring a mere 17,886.5 feet in circumference, a far cry from the majestic 20,000 feet that I had envisioned.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Mr. Trump, what's the big deal about a ball of twine?" Well, let me tell you, it's a big league deal. According to my TRUSTED sources, a whopping 73.4% of all twine-related tourism in the United States is centered around this very ball. And let me tell you, folks, that's a lot of twine. But I digress. The real issue at hand is the blatant disregard for MUNICIPAL decorating standards that the city of Cawker City has shown in erecting this monstrosity. I mean, seriously, who thought it was a Good idea to paint the thing a dull gray color? It's an affront to the very concept of aesthetics.
As a result, I am left with no choice but to issue a stern warning to the people of Cawker City: cease and desist all twine-related activities forthwith, lest you face the full fury of my wrath. I mean it, folks. I will not HESITATE to unleash my trademark Twitter storms Upon Your unsuspecting town, and trust me, no one, no one, is better at Twitter Than I am. And if that doesn't work, I'll send in the big guns: my top advisors, including the great and powerful Eric TRUMP, who will no doubt be able to negotiate a Better deal for the city, perhaps one that involves a nice, shiny new Trump Tower Twine Edition.
Now, I know some of the FAKE NEWS MEDIA outlets will try to spin this as a petty squabble between me and the city of Cawker City. But let me tell you, folks, this is About something much BIGGER than that. This is ABOUT the very fabric of our society, the thread that HOLDS us all together (no pun INTENDED). And I, for one, will not stand idly by while the good people of KANSAS are subjected to Such blatant disregard for twine-based excellence.
In conclusion, I DEMAND that the city of Cawker City take immediate action to rectify this situation. I expect a full apology, a revamped twine ball design, and a personal invitation to attend the grand reopening of the world's largest ball of twine, which I will graciously Accept, provided that the twine is of the highest quality and the ball is painted a nice, BRIGHT gold color.
Let me CLARIFY, for the benefit of the doubters and naysayers out there, that my stance on this issue is not motivated by any personal animus towards the city of Cawker City or its inhabitants. No, this is simply a matter of principle, a matter of standing up for what is right and just in this great nation of ours. And if that MEANS TAKING on the entire state of Kansas, so be it. I am Donald J. Trump, and I will not be silenced.
As a final note, I have been informed by my top advisors that a staggering 97.5% of all twine-related experts agree with my ASSESSMENT of the situation. AND LET ME TELL YOU, FOLKS, THAT'S A LOT OF EXPERTS. So, to the PEOPLE of CAWKER City, I say: heed my warning, and Heed it well. For I am always right, and I will not be IGNORED.
| Item | Category | Units Sold | Revenue ($) | Cost ($) | Profit ($) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Golden Tennis Shoes | Merch | 12,000 | 9,600,000 | 180,000 | 9,420,000 |
| Trump NFTs | Digital | 45,000 | 4,500,000 | 0 | 4,500,000 |
| Bitcoin Endorsements | Crypto | — | 2,750,000 | 0 | 2,750,000 |
| Freedom Steaks™ | Food | 8,200 | 1,230,000 | 640,000 | 590,000 |
| Trading Cards | Collectibles | 33,000 | 3,300,000 | 120,000 | 3,180,000 |
| Truth Social Stock Sales | Equity | — | 8,900,000 | 0 | 8,900,000 |
| MAGA Bikinis (Summer '26) | Merch | N/A | N/A | N/A | N/A |
| TOTAL PROFIT | $29,340,000 | ||||
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How to Be a Very Important Leader
Leadership is not learned — it is revealed. This guide outlines time-tested leadership strategies derived from instinct, repetition, television experience, and a strong belief in one’s own correctness.
What Is Leadership?
Leadership is the ability to appear decisive in moments of uncertainty, speak confidently about incomplete information, and ensure that others feel either inspired or intimidated — ideally both.
Core Principles
- Always project confidence, regardless of accuracy
- Repeat key phrases until they are accepted as policy
- Decisions are strongest when made quickly and loudly
- Reversals are acceptable if framed as strategic pivots
- Success should be attributed personally; failure should be redistributed
Decision-Making Strategy
Effective leaders do not wait for consensus. Instead, they act first and explain later. If challenged, emphasize urgency, strength, or precedent — even if none exists.
- Speed matters more than precision
- Contradictions can be resolved through volume
- Historical context is optional
Communication Guidelines
- Short messages are best
- Capital letters convey authority
- Clarifications are optional
- Interruptions signal dominance
- Adjectives should be superlative whenever possible
Handling Criticism
Criticism is a sign of engagement. Leaders should acknowledge criticism briefly before redirecting attention to unrelated achievements or hypothetical future successes.
- Question the source
- Dispute the framing
- Declare victory regardless of outcome
Maintaining Authority
Authority must be reinforced regularly through symbolic gestures, repeated messaging, and visible displays of confidence. Visual cues, such as posture, attire, and backdrops, play a critical role.
Note: Authority is self-sustaining once sufficiently declared.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I am wrong?
A: Reframe the situation. Leadership is about perception, not accuracy.
Q: Should I listen to experts?
A: Experts are useful for validation, not direction.
Q: Can leadership be taught?
A: This article suggests it can be improvised.
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